Cell Phone Images

The Times had an article last week about teens casually sending semi-clothed or nude pictures of themselves through their cell phones. I have been approached by numerous parents lately who have shared their concerns about this new phenomenon. What I did not know until I read that article is that this is considered to be a criminal offense and can land a son or daughter in jail. And perhaps even worse, they can then be labeled as a sexual predator which follows them for years to come. Apparently, this practice has become popular among some of our underage tech savvy kids. And, true to form, they do not have a clue how this kind of exposing impulse can permanently change their lives. So, it is up to us as the coaching presence in their lives, to educate, monitor and even intervene before this kind of behavior takes place. Which means, we need to be a bit savvy ourselves about texting and the sending of cell phone images so we can try (notice, I used the word "try") to stay one step ahead of them. For their own good and ours...

Think More

At a luncheon Barbara and I were just at today a colleague of ours recommended, "Do more time thinking?" She felt we all could benefit from thinking something through 3 times, measuring twice and cutting once...a cool reference for craftsmen out there. It really struck me as an important piece of advise, not just for me but for the next generation. It seems like sometimes I am too rushed to really think something through, and then I act before I have a clear direction. I think Gen Y is suffering from this too. They feel pressured by our fast paced world to have a plan, have direction, know what there doing...in essence be grown up before they are. Thinking time can often be viewed as slow time, time you could be getting something done. But this is more a myth than truth. When you have enough time to think a thought over, when it finally gets put to action it is usually more accurate in execution. Be careful to take away too much thinking time from yourself and your child.

Mick Jagger & Texting

A recent article in the St. Pete Times, (11/23/08) cited some of the concerns a lot of parents have about the amount of time and energy their children are spending texting and online. The researchers stated that kids are actually learning a lot by spending countless hours online. "Online activities force kids to employ collaborative skills - as they share ideas and arguments with others who live worlds away." The truth is that most of us parents are just uncomfortable with the single focus our children seem to be exhibiting technologically. We feel justified in our concerns that their social skills could be lacking in some serious, life altering ways. Yet perhaps our parents felt the same way about the amount of time we spent glued to the telephone or hypnotized by the television. I can still remember my parents shock at the sight of Mick Jagger as he shrieked and strutted across out TV screen. Maybe we are just showing our age or are we?

"I Miss You"

Liking your parents. This just never happened when I went to college...OK, never may be too strong a word. But even if you did like your parents, you definitely wanted to be away from them through most of the growing up part. Boy were we anxious to be away from our parents. This is not so for most of the current college bound generation. They actually like their parents and are open about it, they also are very comfortable expressing their feeling about missing their parents...I guess all those psych books paid off. I was asked in an interview today what I thought about all this? Well, it's a complicated dynamic to explain and yes, I often think it's a healthy response to a history of extreme authoritarian style parenting. But just because your teen or young adult is saying 'I don't think I can do it without you' doesn't mean the correct parental response is to swoop in and rescue. Yes, we have a group of young adults who can now correctly identify their feeling and express them, but parents be cautious, to another adult(even a young one) the helpful response is not to fix it.

Christmas Presents

Hot Chocolate

Advice from our Forefathers

I had the pleasure of visiting Monticello for the Thanksgiving Holidays and picked up some of Thomas Jefferson's Wisdom to pass along to parents and Gen Y.
Thomas Jefferson's Ten Rules

1. Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have earned it.
4. Never buy what you don't want because it is cheap.
5. Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We seldom repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain the evils have cost us that never happened.
9. Take things always by the smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten before you speak, if very angry, count a hundred.


Happy Thanksgiving

Gen Y - Coming Home for Turkey

What is your experience of this Thanksgiving with Gen Y? So, they're on their way home for some of your famous turkey dinner with all the trimming. If it's the first Thanksgiving home visit, expect 10 to 20 loads of wash, sleeping in till noon, after all, they just finished midterms, they're tired. Some families won't be getting homecomings, it may be the first time they go to a significant others family, or they just can't get away, or I have heard this, they miss their flight!?! Some employers tell me they are a bit surprised when their new, fresh out of college employees think that they will be receiving time off, like their still in school, for all holidays.(yikes, some of us seasoned employees think it's our turn first) So, what is your experience of this Thanksgiving with Gen Y?

Grateful for my Crazy Life

I was teaching a class on gratitude today and it struck me, "Am I really all that grateful?" One of the other teachers in the class said she had done and exercise once where she went to lunch by herself and for one hour tried to notice all that works in her life. The big and small, all that works. Even if you twist a doorknob and it opens the door. I realized how much of my time I spend simply focusing on what does not work. Maybe these are the big things, but still I have to ask,"how balanced is it if I only notice what does not work?" So, for this holiday, I have a plan to notice what works, the big and the small. (I don't need to worry about noticing the problems, I do this well) Chris Guillebeau wrote on his blog "Gratitude is a balanced response to a life filled with highs and lows". The Art of Nonconformity Happy Thanksgiving

"HELP! My Parents Need to Read Your Blog"

So we got a comment from a kid, maybe it's your kid or maybe you're that kid,it read something like, "I wish my parents would do some of what you say". Listen here both kids and parents...It takes two to tango (tango - a dance). Some of the parents reading this blog are going to get it and make changes and work on launching their child differently, others are not. Whether your parents get it or don't get it, launching is ultimately a child's job. Whether your parents are great or stink, it's your life...make it work for you. Many thousands of generations have gone through terrible parenting styles, harsh cultural conditions, and they survived. Kids can turn into adults despite bad parenting and sometimes, no amount of good parenting will turn a kid around. (I have talked to great parents with really problematic kids and vise versa) What you do, what you say, how you act and react are within your control and your responsible for. That's it. What other say, do, how they act react it tells you a lot about them, very little about you. Grow up, become your own person, with your own ideas...you don't need your parents permission to be responsible. They will probably even respect you for it. If not, and this does happen, do it anyway, because it's the best thing for you.

Teens: Do They Have a Brain?

"From the ages of about 14-16, people lose about 20% of the synapses in the brain." This probably makes sense to you if you have a teenager at home. "Among the last areas to become fully wired are the frontal & temporal lobes. Those parts of the brain are significant because they control abstract thinking, impulsiveness and emotion." Again, if you live with a teenager this is very apparent in you house. Hang on tight, most research now indicates that the frontal and pre-frontal lobes are fine...at about 22 - 25 yrs old. YIKES! (these quotes are from Mental Health Problems Begin in the Teen Brain, T. Hesman.)

21 - Not a Drinking Day

I remember turning 21, most folks seem to. My older roommate, and by older I mean already 21, convinced me to go get a drink with her @ midnight. I did, one drink, that was it. The bartender said it was on the house. I really didn't feel like drinking. So we went home and had ice cream. This seems to be the same experience I hear in session from a lot of newly turned 21 year old's. By the time you turn 21, you have already had too much to drink that you don't feel like drinking...a lot of this might be due to the fact that the pre-frontal cortex is starting to kick in and logic and reason make over drinking a poor choice, now easily ruled out. The age of 21 is now getting some press as to whether it's the right age or not. Growing up in my Italian American household, my family always thought that this country was pretty uptight about drinking, making it more attractive to underage drinkers. This philosophy was right for me, maybe not right for all. Something to think about...

New Frontiers

Annette and I spoke to 200 professionals on Friday in Memphis who clinically work with teens/young adults. Our core message was primarily encouraging them to join the new world of texting and MySpace. When you really stop to consider the fact that most adolescents have far surpassed their parents technologically, you can begin to feel a bit uneasy. There they are, with brains under construction, out exploring new frontiers without any adult guidance or chaperoning. When parents or professionals refuse to learn to text or have no idea what "MySpace or Facebook" is really all about, they relinquish any impact they can legitimately have on a huge part of their child's life. In fact, "MySpace" is now the 6th largest "country" in the world and more than half of the members are under 18 years of age. So, why not ask your teen today to teach you to text or introduce you to MySpace. Not only can this shared experience provide some quality bonding time but with knowledge, you can begin to guide them in what is appropriate or inappropriate in this new world they inhabit.

Friday Night Dates

I am reading a very interesting book by Judith Levine, "Not Buying It" which is about her year long experience not buying much of anything that was not essential to life. She and her husband would not even purchase movie tickets during that year or eat out as part of their experiment. Reading it makes me feel like I took a shortcut here and went down an easier path with my pledge. Tim and I really love eating out and for years treated ourselves almost every Friday night as a part of our weekly date. Recently though we have cut back and now limit ourselves to every other Friday. It was not that we typically ate out at expensive restaurants, it was just the love of eating alone without the constant interruptions from children or phones. For almost 22 years we have spent every Friday afternoon and evening alone together. We are both pretty convinced that this ritual has helped keep us sane and happily together. I have recommended this tradition to countless couples over the years and swear that scheduled time alone is an integral way to keep a relationship healthy.

At Home @ 18

It is a common trend, many 18 year old's are staying home for the first and second years of college. It can really present some interesting dynamics for parents, since most parents today were jumping out the door by 18 from their parents home. Many of us don't have any idea how to set up households with 18 and 19 year old's included. But with the recent economic change, I would guess many more of us will be learning how. So what do you do when you have a young adult living at home? Well, try to remember that this has happened for many generations before ours. In fact, until the last 100 years, this was the norm. I have been thinking this may help our declining social capital (see Bowling Alone, by Robert Putman). Generations before were used to this idea and they set up ground rules going in, most of us are coming by this unexpectedly, none-the-less, it is never too late to start. Here are some tips:
Set up a family meeting with pen & paper (or computer)
Make a list of items of concern
Curfew (what time the front door stay locked)
House hold shared responsibility
Rent - No Rent, remember this can be paid with in-kind services (like painting that bathroom?)
Meals
Money
Remember, you may not get to all of these, and you may adjust them along the way. Most importantly, You Are Not A Hotel.
Good Luck!

Grandma and Analog

We all feel like this sometimes :)

The Toll of Technology

My husband and I are getting ready to head to the mountains of Tennessee for a few days of much needed R&R. We have some property there which enables us to leave all of our hectic demands and escape temporarily from the bad financial news that seems to be flooding all of us right now. I remember one of the first times we took this trip with two of our children. Our middle daughter was about 15 then and she was pretty sure she did not want to leave her social circle to hide out for two weeks in the mountains. Then when she realized that her cell phone would not work on the property, she became downright miserable. Two weeks without being able to check in constantly with her friends seemed like a huge price to pay for family bonding time. But, it was only after two or three days there that I noticed a profound change in her whole demeanor. I had to study her for a few minutes to understand what I was really seeing. I even pulled my husband aside and asked him to look at her face to see if he noticed anything different. We agreed and I am still shocked at how much more relaxed our daughter was once she got away from the incessant social pull that is endemic to her technologically savvy age group. She looked calm and peaceful. Now, granted, there weren't many demands on any of us while camping out in the mountains but I will never forget the marked difference we saw in her. She still says that trip was one of her best family getaways and I believe it was because of the "social contact reprieve" she was forced to experience. Never underestimate the toll this newfound ability to stay connected 24/7 is having on them and us...

Letting Go: It Can Sting

I've been working on editing a video of Barbara and I speaking before a group of parents about to drop off their kids at College this Fall. Just watching it reminds me how much it really hurt many of those parents at the idea of saying Good-bye. There were many tear stained faces in the room. Although, I am sure over the years these parents had said to themselves, "I can't wait 'till they go to college." Especially during any of those more distressing or disappointing times. My father has said to me that the whole parenting job is rather odd set-up, you live with someone 24/7 for 18 years and then, if your lucky, you spend about 1 or 2 years total together over the rest of their lives. What a truly potentially, painful set-up in theory. Barbara and I talk about 'what are you truly letting go of?' and for us, what it comes down to, is you are letting go of what was, which is already gone. And Warning!!! if you don't let go of what was, there is limited or no space for what's coming. Your children are always your children, but really, who do you want to be loving and attending to the most? The adult child in front of you or the one you remember? Even @ 42 years old, I know I am my parents daughter, but I am happy to report that despite all the fond memories of my childhood, they seem to be right here with me now...maybe like most of us good parents they experience their parental stings out of my sight.

It's Not Just About Us Anymore

My husband just finished reading, "Theodore Rex," by E. Morris which is a great book according to him about Teddy Roosevelt. He shared a quote from it that made me think. "We should not forget that it is just as important to our descendants to be prosperous in their time as it is for us to be in our time." That statement carries a big punch after reading the financial news throughout the world over the past two weeks. The St. Pete. Times also had an article today by a Nobel Peace prize winner talking about the extreme problems college graduates around the world are going to have finding suitable jobs. He warns that this dilemna could lead more youth into dangerous circumstances. We certainly have not been doing a very good job of setting the stage for our young to live prosperous lives that are full of options and opportunities. In fact, for the first time in our history, this younger generation is projected to earn less throughout their lifetimes than we have been able to and to live shorter lives. It kind of makes you pause & think for awhile, doesn't it?

Brain Wipes

Just when you think you can safely predict what your child is going to say or do, they go ahead and surprise the heck out of you. In a good way, I mean. Our 20 year old daughter just shocked both of us by handling a difficult situation with grace and maturity. My husband and I were prepared for a long, drawn out family discussion that would probably culminate in an emotional scene. Instead, she showed us that she really is growing up. Now I realize that this new evidence of maturation, as good as it looks, can be short lived because teh research shows that young adults in their early 20's can go in and out of their new ability to think logically. This is due to the fact that they experience a succession of "brain wipes," a term Annette has coined for when the young brain wipes out weaker dendrites in order that the strong survive. This can happen up to 3 times as the late adolescent matures and develops. So, I am trying not to get too excited over the fact that we might have successfully passed a developmental marker because I know that in a few days, she could melt down over something that looks pretty trivial to us. But, for now, let me just take a deep breath and revel in the fact that this coaching stance we have taken for the past 5 years is for the moment, working!

Empty Nest Prevention Plan Starts Now!

I had the opportunity to present last weekend at the You & Me, We Conference at St. Petersbug College sponsored by Family Resources. There were a lot of interesting speakers presenting on issues relevant to couples and families. They offer this annually so you might want to put it on your calendar for next year. One of my presentations was on "Preparing for The Empty Nest." The bottom line is that the best way to avoid struggling with any serious adjustment issues as children get ready to fly the nest is by constantly practicing to stay well balanced and diversified throughout the child raising years. Couples who invest all of their time, energy and patience in the raising of children (which by the way, has only recently become a fullfledged career ) leave little or nothing for themselves and their other important interpersonal relationships. We have become a child obsessed, child dominated culture and our high rate of divorce reflects that, which is the antithesis of what children fundamentally require for healthy development. It is still true that the best legacy parents can give their children is to love themselves and then, to love each other. This type of healthy self respect and commitment to a meaningful, growing relationship will just naturally trickle down to children who also get to learn firsthand how to build their own stable, long term relationships.

Don't Leave Me!

What to do with the child who doesn't want to leave you? Sometimes our focus is more on the young adults who are acting out; acting entitled or wanting you to just "get away" from them. But there is also the opposite: the needy young adult. The ones begging you to stay or hang out for a while. It's often a tough call for parents. As a Mom, I always want to stay but sometimes the best parenting choice is to let them work it out without me. At a recent college drop off this came up a few times. Here are a list of questions you may want to ask yourself.

Well, do you really think they'll be OK without you?
Is this a truly hard thing that they can't do without you?
How can you reassure them without sending a message they are incapable?

Good luck.

Balanced at the Edge

During workshops, Annette and I often lecture about the culture of fear our society seems to have embraced since 9/11. Parents especially can be overheard more often today warning children about some of the many dangers that exist out there; abductions, Aids, killer drugs...So, as a parent, I really try to listen to myself when I am talking with one of my 3 children. Apparently, I don't always practice what I preach because as soon as the risk factor with one of them starts to escalate, I frantically start tossing out the warnings, left and right. And then I have to consciously stop myself, take a deep breath and silently ask, "what am I really afraid of?" If truth be told, sometimes I am afraid that they will get badly hurt, exposed to a risk that could be life changing. Yet, I know deep in my heart that at the ripe ages of 20 or 28, they are pretty much in charge of their own lives. My husband and I are only bystanders who sometimes coach, cheer and analyze from the sidelines. I also have to honestly assess what message I am really sending when I flood the room with warnings and talk about dire consequences. Chances are that they have already tuned me out and I usually get a bit of eye rolling with comments like, "you shouldn't worry so much, mom." But I have to tell you, this parenting stuff is not for the weak hearted. It takes courage to watch and remain balanced while they practice taking leaps and doing somersaults right at the edge of the cliff. Because only when we are balanced do they seem to reach out and ask for our advice.

Doing Whatever I Want...yeah, right?

So I am talking to a teenager the other day and she expresses the classic teenage responce, "I can't wait 'till I am grown up so I can do whatever I want!" Well, I am sure every parent has heard this and may even remember telling their parents this, but I am a little concerned because when I explain that this is not what adulthood is like, many of the next generation doesn't see it that way. I explain that even when I was single with out kids, I still didn't get to do whatever I wanted, I was limited by things; skill set, money, time...but maybe this is part of the problem, many of our children are not limited by these things. This next generation is being raised by possible the most affluent generation ever and the same limitations that we had are not on them. Now, many college students don't have jobs and it's very rare to see a student paying their own way to college. When I tell college students that I had a roommate in college that paid their own way to college by working two 40 hr week job, they look at me baffled at how they did it. They share thoughts like, "I could never do that." Yikes, this scares me. It's not that I want that to be everyones' course, but I do want young adults to feel strong and tough enough for life's journeys. I don't want hard work to scare anyone to the point of immobilization. But maybe this is what is a key difference in the two generations, one was taught they could do anything they put their mind to, and the other was taught they could do anything they want. Each parent gets to decide which one they think works for their family, their child and their world.

National Alcohol & Drug Addiction Recovery Month

September is National Alcohol & Drug Addiction Recovery Month, so I thought I would post some information provided to me by the US Department of Health and Human Services. Two websites which may be helpful for more information are www.samhsa.gov and www.recoverymonth.gov

"Teens begin using alcohol and drugs for different reasons than adults. For example, peer pressure may affect adolescents more than other age groups. Adolescent substance use impairs their cognitive, physical, and emotional development."

In 2006:
*average age of first-time inhalants was nearly 16
*an estimated 2.8 million people aged 12 or older used an illicit drug for the first time within the past 12 month
*average age of first use of pain relievers is 21.9 yrs
*average age use of marijuana is 17.4

Emerging trends in substance abuse is prescription drugs, this is a growing concern for teens. Be informed, keep your eyes open and gather information. Parents can be the first step to stopping abuse and misuse in teens and young adults.

The Fun Begins

School just started and my adolescent son has already forgotten books that he needed for the three day weekend we just had. Without even thinking, I have suggested and nagged him a few times about the missing books to see if he made any arrangements to borrow them from a classmate. This morning he informed me that he would just find the time at school tomorrow to make up the missed assignments. I don’t think I bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood but I certainly had to consciously shut my mouth. The truth is that this really is his problem and he will have to face the consequences if he does not make the work up in time. If I am really doing what is best for him, why does it still make my stomach clutch? Aaah, the joys of coaching a teenager…

An Inspirational Couple

I attended a wedding on Saturday and the young couple getting married gave me hope. Not because they were so young but because they seemed to have their priorities in such healthy alignment. She wore a beautiful gown that looked custom made for her while her bridesmaids each had on a different style dress in exactly the same shade of burgundy. Everyone looked great and I was probably one of the few guests that knew the truth. Each of the gowns, including the bride’s had been purchased at a consignment shop for less that it takes most of us to fill our gas tanks. No one would have guessed that my young friend had chosen recycled gowns for herself and her attendants. She consistently refuses to be swept up in any of society’s distorted values and thinks on her own. I wish I thought of that!

Social Anxiety Disorder & College Students

I have been seeing more SAD showing up in college students coming in to my private practice. Oftentimes the symptoms are less classic and well hidden by what appears to look like general incompetence or what most parents think is just a bad case of "laziness". If you are wondering if your young adult is suffering from this please visit the Anxiety Disorders American Association web site, www.adaa.org they have all the latest research and a self test. In some of there latest findings, "colleges and universities across the country are seeing a major increase in students requiring mental health services for anxiety disorders. Some students may have experienced symptoms before college that became worse upon leaving home, while others may be experiencing such symptoms for the first time (the college years are often when mental health problems such as anxiety disorders manifest themselves)."

Just Work Hard and Stayed Focus

We had an interesting conversation the other day with our 20 year old daughter. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the hoops she was jumping through and the hurdles she was facing while trying to enroll in a new career training program. After she finished telling me the most recent crisis, I could tell she was on the verge of tears. So, instead of focusing on a successful outcome, I complimented her hard work and explained that I was pretty sure anything worth having or doing would present itself exactly like that; complicated, exasperating with potential failure. She took a deep breath and thanked me for reminding her of that. I did not have to try to fix anything or solve whatever was going on, I just empathized and told her that we believed in her and her ability to forge on through this. And that seemed to be all she really wanted to hear!

Back to School and Homework
In Florida school has only been back in session, half a week, thanks to Hurricane Fey and I am already hearing the homework blues from parents and kids.
Some of us parents are anticipation what's coming...nightly battles over when homework is done, sloppy work, the all too famous "forgetting the assignments", parents working harder on homework than the kids, taking forever to finish it, TV, music and cell phones constantly interrupting, or hearing about a huge assignment the night before it's due. If any of these affect your house it may be time to get armed. Two great books can help guide parents and their children. I recommend Homework Without Tears, by Canter and Hausner for parents and for kids, How to do Homework Without Throwing Up, by T. Romain.
Some key recommendation by both:
1. Set up a proper study area, use it regularly at the same time daily.
2. Motivate through praise, communicate assertively.
3. Create a homework ritual, ie: snack, homework, play

Kids Changing Our World

This is amazing. And this girl is ONLY 14!

MakethisVideogoaroundtheworld

Birth of an Eagle

We thought this was inspirational, so we are sharing. Enjoy!

Famous Failures

The video speaks for itself:

The New Face of Youthful Addictions

The counseling staff at Goodwill is noticing a shift in the current face of drug abuse. It is getting younger and is now about addiction to prescription drugs. There is a very good reason as parents we should pay heed to this change. The children there (18 years olds in a lot of ways are still children) are getting the drugs from your medicine cabinets. Their favorites seem to be xanax, oxycontin and hydrocodone but most pain relievers and psychoactive drugs will do. This is a good time to get rid of any old medications by stowing away anything that could tempt an underdeveloped mind. Prescription meds now account for 3x’s the number of deaths in this state as compared to cocaine and heroin which used to be a parent’s worst nightmare. And it does not take much to be charged with drug trafficking when you are talking about prescription meds. Just 4 grams. That’s right. So our part as parental coaches and mentors includes making it very difficult for our sons and daughters to have access to any of these medications. In the wrong hands or mixed with other substances they can be deadly. We also need to be having conversations about these medications. Too many young people come up to me at Goodwill and say that they did nothing wrong by taking mom or dad’s pills. It’s not like they did something illegal…

I should also add for general interest, that drugs are showing up in our ecosystem in ways we couldn't imagine. To learn how to properly dispose of drugs, visit http://www.pinellascounty.org/utilities/getridofit/medications.pdf

Adapt or Fear the Worst

Annette & I attended a great conference last week on “Educating the Whole Child.” It focused on the changing needs of our academic structures to meet the challenges of growing up healthy in 2008. The presenters made some interesting points we parents should consider. They talked about the fact that our children are being taught for tests while the drop out rate soars, even among our brightest. Perhaps our schools have not kept up with the rapidly changing technology scene and its effects on our youth. And then I had to ask myself if as a parent, I have done any better. I joke about my ineptness at handling anything more than my cell phone and have only texted my children less than a dozen times, even though that seems to be their chosen mode of communication. So, like academia, I seem to be standing my ground and refusing to adapt to this ever changing tech frontier. One of the speakers even called herself a “text twit.” We all knowingly laughed but shouldn’t we also be a bit uncomfortable with our apparent lack of expertise?

Is he Alive and Still in Spain?

Annette and I spend a lot of time at workshops talking about the teenage brain. The recent research on their neurological development has proved to be so helpful to both parents and professionals. As the parent of a teenager, I remind myself often that whatever he is going through is normal but I can still get exasperated at times. Our son is in Spain right now on a trip with his high school, immersed in the language and the culture for one month. Before he left, I reminded him that it would help reduce my fear level considerably if he kept in touch. I knew that the school he is attending there makes their computers available to the visiting students every afternoon. I did not expect to hear from him daily but this has been ridiculous. He has been gone for 8 days now and we have only received the minimum of information from him. After not hearing anything from him for at least 4 days, we receive an email this morning that literally has 12 words in it. He states that "lots is happening" but does not let us know what any of that could be. I understand that his prefrontal cortex is not working at full tilt yet but really. Doesn't he understand that his parents across the ocean would require or hope for more than that? So, just understand from someone who lectures on this information on a regular basis, they can still drive you crazy.

Real Fears

My 16 year old son was pretty frustrated with us last night. He and his friends planned to go to the Rays game and then head downtown to watch the fireworks. The problem was that they were going to be driven by one of the 16 year olds. Apparently, every one else's parents were ok with that. We were not. After a heated discussion, his friend picked up the other two boys and drove to our house so we could transport all of them to and from the game. I have to admit that there were moments last night when I regretted our rigidity and thought it might just be safe enough to let them do it their way. But, we decided to go ahead and be the designated drivers. It amazes me that other parents are not as concerned as we are about these newbie drivers. We seem to be the only ones who just say no, at least in my son's group. Yet, 36% of our teenagers between the ages of 16 & 19 die in car accidents annually. (It is the leading cause of death among this high risk age group.) In 2004, a total of 4,767 of our teens died that way and 400,000 went to emergency rooms with injuries. Your teenage son or daughter is 4 times more likely to crash than an adult driver and our sons are 1.5 x's more likely to have a fatal accident than our daughters. The risk gets significantly higher with each passenger they add. My husband and I feel like the statistics back up our cautious attitude. I wonder why so many parents worry so much about something as statistically rare as a child abduction but let their teens get behind the wheel without giving it a second thought...

Fear and the Mother Lion

A colleague of mine just called the other day, she had received a call from an angry mother of one of her many teenage clients. Apparently, the mother was mad at this counselor for siding with her daughter. The mother left a fairly scathing message. This happens, I assured her, even to me. I have been working with parents of teens for over 10 years now . These calls usually come down to "fear" and I suggested this to my colleague, whom I know to be very professional. I reminded her that she and I and all parents may be more afraid than ever as American parents. Since 9/11 fear levels have soared in America. Combine this with increased financial stressors on most families, and overwhelming schedules, you may just get an angry parent from time to time. As therapists, we have to check ourselves, but often times for myself, when I understand this fear level and respond to that, parents and I communicate better. I am always on the side of the child's family and see the parents as the leaders and models in that family. This doesn't mean I don't say from time to time, "OK, lets say you do have the worst parents in the world, what can you do about it...how can you become the best you, despite or because of your parents." Not to be repetitive, but I am looking for a little self responsibility. A beginning of figuring oneself out, not just being a product of. It can be scary as parents to watch our children to begin to define with out us. As a parent, I feel it too. My mother lion still want to roar at any and all perceived threat or danger. I try to take two steps back and wait before I pounce, usually it's less threatening than I originally thought. My kid is just growing up, with new and different thoughts from me, some I even like better, some worse...well, I guess we are both growing up together.

Dinosaur Parents Discover Summer Fun

Breath...seriously, take a deep breath...If you're parenting a teenager or young adult today you need to take a deep breath, maybe 2 or 3 every few minutes while they're around. It's a stressful time, and many of us parents feel like we're dinosaurs in awe of their technological advances.

My 8 year old understands and works my new digital camera, navigates my cell phone and loads programs into our family computer better than me. It's not just us parents who are stressed, listen to these alarming figures:

* The average teenager views 40,000 commercials a year, and companies are marketing to shape new consumers from infancy.

* 1/3 of American children suffer stress related symptoms.

* 1/2 of adolescents report trouble sleeping and

* 1/2 of college students are so overwhelmed they report difficulty functioning.

All this multitasking, overachieving, and fast paced lives may just be stressing us all out. Relax more with your kids, model a stress free life or at least healthy coping skills to manage stress. Get outside! Recent research tells us that open green spaces decrease stress levels. Make a list of fun summer outdoor activities and get you and your family out.

I love my cell phone, TV and computer as much as the next person, and I don't think they're the 'root of all evil', but I do think we need a balanced tech diet. Set a good example by turning off some of this technology and getting out and living a little this summer. Our family posted a list of fun summer things to do in one day. To add a dash of irony, I posted them on our family computer screen. Here are the top 3. #1 Rock Climbing at our local sporting store. #2 Miniature Golf. #3 Picnic at our favorite beach at sunset.

Should Parents Text ?

Annette & I attended a great conference last week on “Educating the Whole Child.” It focused on the changing needs of our academic structures to meet the challenges of growing up healthy in 2008. The presenters made some interesting points we parents should consider. They talked about the fact that our children are being taught for tests while the drop out rate soars, even among our brightest. Perhaps our schools have not kept up with the rapidly changing technology scene and its effects on our youth. And then I had to ask myself if as a parent, I have done any better. I joke about my ineptness at handling anything more than my cell phone and have only texted my children less than a dozen times, even though that seems to be their chosen mode of communication. So, like academia, I seem to be standing my ground and refusing to adapt to this ever changing tech frontier. One of the speakers even called herself a “text twit.” We all knowingly laughed but shouldn’t we also be a bit uncomfortable with our apparent lack of expertise?

We Have a YouTube Channel

Now you can get tips and advice on parenting in a video format. We have just created a YouTube channel, Parents911, that has clips from some of our best presentations. Make sure to check it out and let us know what you think! http://www.youtube.com/user/Parents911

Mom, Can I go to an all-Weekend Party?

Our 16 year old son came home last Friday with an invitation to attend a party from a girl in his class whose name I had heard before. What was a shocker to me was that the invitation was for both Friday & Saturday. In other words, it was an overnight party for a mixed group of kids. After I got over my initial speechlessness, I was unsuccessful at getting any real additional information from him. So, I simply said “no”. He & I then discussed the unfairness of life for 10 – 15 minutes which ended with him leaving the room apparently frustrated with me as a mother. I tried to explain that nothing good could come out of an overnight party of 16 year old guys & girls. He accused me of a lack of trust. I blocked him with some well placed info on brain development, stating that it was not him I did not trust, it was the collection of inactive prefrontal cortexes & overactive amygdalas. That did not sit well, either. He stayed mad at me for the rest of that evening. And, he did end up going to the party but we picked him up at midnight. (Somebody’s mom & dad owe us big!)

No Dad. You Can't Write Me a Note

One of our readers and mom, who works in a Florida College, shared the following funny story with us:
I don’t know if I have any tips but my daughter is graduating from high school this June—so I can relate to the challenges of launching children to college.

I do have a true, funny story to share: My daughter recently told me a story about one of her friends who had graduated last year and was attending FSU. The student wasn’t feeling well one day—part of it was due to being homesick and so she called her dad back home in Miami. The father told her to call in sick to class and drive home for the weekend. The daughter replied that she couldn’t do that—because it wouldn’t be considered an excused absence. The father replied, “Of course it will be—I’ll write you a note.” The daughter laughed and said, “Thanks, Dad—but this is college not high school.” The daughter got a good laugh out of her dad’s behavior and said that she immediately felt better and so she went to class that day. I guess the useful lesson here is that humor can brighten someone’s day and can also help solve lots of issues! I also like the following quote from Meltzer: “The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.”


- Nancy Kelley, Student Affairs Administrative Manager, St. Petersburg College- Downtown Center

Don't Buy them 4 Cars

I teach life skills to about 35 men & women on Tuesdays at Goodwill Correctional Facilities who have been court ordered into this 6 month drug rehabilitation program. I learned something interesting today that I wanted to share while leading a counseling session for about 12 of them. The young people in this group who are between the ages of 18 & 30, started to talk about the different ways their parents affected them as they were growing up. What shocked me was that a whopping 5 out of 12 stated that they believe they were spoiled as kids. By spoiled they meant that they did not really have to work for what they got & that they were often given privileges they had not yet rightfully earned. One young man went on to say that his mother bought him a total of 4 different cars between the ages of 18 & 21, replacing each one after a crash or malfunction even if it was due to his lack of care without ever trying to hold him responsible. Something to think about, isn’t it?

AHA Moment

The following post was submitted by one of our readers:

Here is my parental ‘AHA Moment’: When the girls were 4, I decided I would cut their hair. Never gave it a second thought. I placed Kyle in front of me and cut her hair, which was a little past her shoulders to right above her ears. My decision was based on how much they fussed when it was time to wash it. So let’s just cut it.

After cutting Kyle’s hair, I placed Dana in front of me and started to cut…I got half way through and she asked me, “Mommy, what are you doing?” I thought this was such a silly question since she had just seen me cut her sister’s hair and we had been talking about it. So I replied, “I’m cutting your hair” to which she replied, “Did I tell you that you could cut my hair?” Well to say I was shocked is an understatement. All I could think about was that I had a child’s hair cut half done and what would my husband, mother and mother-in-law say when they saw this mess….so I began to plead with her and tell her how easy it would be to wash her hair and how much fun it would be if she would just let me finish…to which she replied, “Okay”. When I was done and she got in the tub to wash it, she said, “Mommy, you were right”.

Well the moral for me was: All children have opinions….and it never occurred to me to ask for it…..ask your child’s opinion…in the end you will do what is prudent, right and best for them, but ask anyway!

Graduation - Just Around the Corner

In my private practice the soon-to-be college grads are showing up nervous as jitterbugs, and not that far behind them...their parents. Wow, this is an exciting and scary time. For some in 6 months the student loan payments are due, for others the scary thought of moving back home. What to do? Where to go? How to pay the bills? Oh, and I still have finals. Yikes! Parents are stressed about other matters. Should we help pay for graduate school? What about their living expenses? Are they ready to move in with their significant other? How much say should I have in their lives? More Yikes! Well over the next few weeks, Barbara and I are going to be asking some respected professionals for their advice and posting it for all to read. Keep checking back with us. And take a few deep breaths.

Let your Child Fall

A woman approached me last week at the close of a workshop I had just presented on stress to share that her biggest stressor came from her relationship with her adult daughter. Her daughter now blamed the mother for coddling her while she was growing up to the point of disabling her. This woman did what she believed was best for her child and did it out of love. But, as her daughter now tried to explain, she felt inept at handling the challenges that life was throwing at her. If our children are not allowed to make their share of mistakes, how will they ever learn from them? We are physiologically constructed to operate this way. So let your child fall down, literally or figuratively and then applaud and encourage them as they figure out how to get back up. That essential learning & growing process will see them through whatever life dishes out.

Brain Wipe

Annette & I devote a lot of time speaking on the topic of adolescent & young adult brain development. We try to help parents & professionals gain insight into the neurological realities of the developing brain. (You can find more detailed explanation of this information in our handbook, “Blast Off – Launching Your Child to College & Beyond.” A key to remember is that our job as the adults in their lives is to normalize this challenging stage for them as much as possible. I try to remind myself & our son as often as possible that the real reason he forgot to close the door to the refrigerator was that he was the innocent victim of a brain wipe! On a good day, he laughs and rolls his eyes at me but I swear it helps both of us put this all into perspective. (And then I still make him go back in the kitchen & close the door.)

Good Reads

Parents are always asking us to recommend good reads. The following are some of our favorites:

* Blast Off:Launching Your Child to College & Beyond - by yours truly :)
* 12 Simple Steps Real Moms Know, Borba
* Systematic Training for Effective Parenting, Dinkmeyer
* Loving What is, B. Katie
* Raising Cain, D. Kindlon
* Ready or Not, Dr. Mel Levine
* Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam
* Generation Me, Jean Twenge
* Transitions, Reiter and Rhode

Summer Vaction - Part II

Don’t be surprised if they don’t come home this summer exactly resembling the child you knew & loved when they left in the fall. This first year away can instigate some testing of new identities and give them a remarkably premature sense of independence, even though you are still paying all of their bills. We have heard from quite a few families in the past that their cherished daughter or son returned home for the summer with some newly acquired and somewhat annoying habits. Some will be almost eager to correct and point out your shortcomings where before college they just seemed to turn a blind to you. Just try to keep in mind that this is a normal part of the stretching process and will probably pass. They are trying on different identities and comparing you to some of the other authority figures new in their life. Think of it as another leg on their journey towards maturation & independence.

Summer Vaction - Part I

Before you know it, summer break will be here and a lot of those college students will be heading home to wreak havoc on any new structure you put into place in their absence. Now would be a good time to start some relaxed conversations about their summer plans and coach them a bit in setting some achievable goals while being somewhat aware of the rest of the family’s needs & wants. This is the time to discuss everybody’s expectations to cut down on surprises this summer. If money was a source of contention between you this school year, the upcoming break can be a good time for them to work and save up for any additional expenses or creative spending ideas. Some of my best learning experiences during my college years came from the different part time jobs I managed to work at while gong to school. If nothing else, a few of them showed me what I definitely did not want to spend the rest of my life doing! We would love to hear about some of your summer job experiences so please share…

Saying Goodbye

A very touching song by a dad saying "goodbye" to his college kid.

Practicing What I Preach

Our 20 year old daughter bought a used car for herself with some money my parents gave her recently. Unfortunately, she made this decision completely on her own based on how the car looked and did not consult with anyone more experienced in auto mechanics. So, this hot looking car has turned out to need some major repairs which is giving my husband & I an opportunity to practice what I preach. It has been hard to stand by and watch her put herself into debt but we are both pretty convinced that this is a big opportunity for her to learn some valuable lessons. In fact, she called the other day and told my husband that he was right when he warned her to have the car checked before she bought it. She even went so far as to say that he has usually been right about most things! Wow! And then she took on a few more hours at the restaurant she works at to help pay towards the cost of fixing it. Not bad…not bad at all.

Spring Fever

Spring is around the corner & all those high school seniors are biting at the bit to finish the race & get started on their new life. This time can be exciting but it can also be pretty challenging! And sometimes their siblings can feel like they are slowly fading in the background. Now might be a good time to schedule a “date” with that younger child so you can check in with them away from all the noise & drama. It might help the “soon to be graduate” stay inside the family lines by reminding them that everyone else around them still has their own life & personal issues to deal with even while their’s is exploding with new promises. (Slowly repeating “this too will pass,” to yourself while breathing deeply has been proven to help, too!)

How to let them figure it out and why?

While raising young children, the earlier parenting style can be so directive. EG "Do this.. or Do it that way...or Over here...Now." It can become very easy to continue this into the pre-teen and teen years. And let's face it, they almost demand it by being so forgetful. At some magical point most parents seem to either get tired out or become excited to let them take it on for themselves. Most of us really don't want to be doing the wash of our 25 yr old child, or reminding them to pay their bills...we really want to meet our responsible adult child. So, how do we get them there, and best help them through all the troubles they'll face on the way?

In my work with so many families I have found that changing into a "curious coach" is the most user friendly posture for parents. The best way to describe this is to give some examples. When they call for advice about what to do about something, instead of solving the problem (and let's face it, we have years of experience on them, most of their stuff is easy for us) instead ask them, "Well, what were you thinking you should do? or What have you tried? or Have you been in a similar situations before, what did you do then?" Basically, get them working, instead of you. You can still have empathy, like "Wow, that does sound like a mess or ask them "How would you like me to help you figure it out for yourself?" Start putting the problems back on them. After all, you don't really need any more, right? Be a support by asking, "How did that come out for you?, Way to go., or I don't know if I would of thought of that., or I know you can handle this, let me know how it works out."

Any other, ideas out there, all us parents need your help.