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During workshops, Annette and I often lecture about the culture of fear our society seems to have embraced since 9/11. Parents especially can be overheard more often today warning children about some of the many dangers that exist out there; abductions, Aids, killer drugs...So, as a parent, I really try to listen to myself when I am talking with one of my 3 children. Apparently, I don't always practice what I preach because as soon as the risk factor with one of them starts to escalate, I frantically start tossing out the warnings, left and right. And then I have to consciously stop myself, take a deep breath and silently ask, "what am I really afraid of?" If truth be told, sometimes I am afraid that they will get badly hurt, exposed to a risk that could be life changing. Yet, I know deep in my heart that at the ripe ages of 20 or 28, they are pretty much in charge of their own lives. My husband and I are only bystanders who sometimes coach, cheer and analyze from the sidelines. I also have to honestly assess what message I am really sending when I flood the room with warnings and talk about dire consequences. Chances are that they have already tuned me out and I usually get a bit of eye rolling with comments like, "you shouldn't worry so much, mom." But I have to tell you, this parenting stuff is not for the weak hearted. It takes courage to watch and remain balanced while they practice taking leaps and doing somersaults right at the edge of the cliff. Because only when we are balanced do they seem to reach out and ask for our advice.
2 comments:
Yes, Barbara, we see this a lot. Fear of losses can really motivate us parents to do exactly the opposite of what we need to do to help our kids. Not that long ago a parent expressed a fear that their child could loose a college scholarship...well this is truly concerning...but can we really keep it for them, don't they have to get and keep their scholarship themselves. If they can't keep it now what else are they going to loose?
Thnk you for your feedback. I agree, wholeheartedly. I also understand that as a parent, it takes faith to stand by and watch them sabotage themselves. But, if we step and try to make everything "go right" we inadvertently tell them that they cannot do it on their own. We have to trust them to eventually "get it."
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