Friday Night Dates

I am reading a very interesting book by Judith Levine, "Not Buying It" which is about her year long experience not buying much of anything that was not essential to life. She and her husband would not even purchase movie tickets during that year or eat out as part of their experiment. Reading it makes me feel like I took a shortcut here and went down an easier path with my pledge. Tim and I really love eating out and for years treated ourselves almost every Friday night as a part of our weekly date. Recently though we have cut back and now limit ourselves to every other Friday. It was not that we typically ate out at expensive restaurants, it was just the love of eating alone without the constant interruptions from children or phones. For almost 22 years we have spent every Friday afternoon and evening alone together. We are both pretty convinced that this ritual has helped keep us sane and happily together. I have recommended this tradition to countless couples over the years and swear that scheduled time alone is an integral way to keep a relationship healthy.

At Home @ 18

It is a common trend, many 18 year old's are staying home for the first and second years of college. It can really present some interesting dynamics for parents, since most parents today were jumping out the door by 18 from their parents home. Many of us don't have any idea how to set up households with 18 and 19 year old's included. But with the recent economic change, I would guess many more of us will be learning how. So what do you do when you have a young adult living at home? Well, try to remember that this has happened for many generations before ours. In fact, until the last 100 years, this was the norm. I have been thinking this may help our declining social capital (see Bowling Alone, by Robert Putman). Generations before were used to this idea and they set up ground rules going in, most of us are coming by this unexpectedly, none-the-less, it is never too late to start. Here are some tips:
Set up a family meeting with pen & paper (or computer)
Make a list of items of concern
Curfew (what time the front door stay locked)
House hold shared responsibility
Rent - No Rent, remember this can be paid with in-kind services (like painting that bathroom?)
Meals
Money
Remember, you may not get to all of these, and you may adjust them along the way. Most importantly, You Are Not A Hotel.
Good Luck!

Grandma and Analog

We all feel like this sometimes :)

The Toll of Technology

My husband and I are getting ready to head to the mountains of Tennessee for a few days of much needed R&R. We have some property there which enables us to leave all of our hectic demands and escape temporarily from the bad financial news that seems to be flooding all of us right now. I remember one of the first times we took this trip with two of our children. Our middle daughter was about 15 then and she was pretty sure she did not want to leave her social circle to hide out for two weeks in the mountains. Then when she realized that her cell phone would not work on the property, she became downright miserable. Two weeks without being able to check in constantly with her friends seemed like a huge price to pay for family bonding time. But, it was only after two or three days there that I noticed a profound change in her whole demeanor. I had to study her for a few minutes to understand what I was really seeing. I even pulled my husband aside and asked him to look at her face to see if he noticed anything different. We agreed and I am still shocked at how much more relaxed our daughter was once she got away from the incessant social pull that is endemic to her technologically savvy age group. She looked calm and peaceful. Now, granted, there weren't many demands on any of us while camping out in the mountains but I will never forget the marked difference we saw in her. She still says that trip was one of her best family getaways and I believe it was because of the "social contact reprieve" she was forced to experience. Never underestimate the toll this newfound ability to stay connected 24/7 is having on them and us...

Letting Go: It Can Sting

I've been working on editing a video of Barbara and I speaking before a group of parents about to drop off their kids at College this Fall. Just watching it reminds me how much it really hurt many of those parents at the idea of saying Good-bye. There were many tear stained faces in the room. Although, I am sure over the years these parents had said to themselves, "I can't wait 'till they go to college." Especially during any of those more distressing or disappointing times. My father has said to me that the whole parenting job is rather odd set-up, you live with someone 24/7 for 18 years and then, if your lucky, you spend about 1 or 2 years total together over the rest of their lives. What a truly potentially, painful set-up in theory. Barbara and I talk about 'what are you truly letting go of?' and for us, what it comes down to, is you are letting go of what was, which is already gone. And Warning!!! if you don't let go of what was, there is limited or no space for what's coming. Your children are always your children, but really, who do you want to be loving and attending to the most? The adult child in front of you or the one you remember? Even @ 42 years old, I know I am my parents daughter, but I am happy to report that despite all the fond memories of my childhood, they seem to be right here with me now...maybe like most of us good parents they experience their parental stings out of my sight.

It's Not Just About Us Anymore

My husband just finished reading, "Theodore Rex," by E. Morris which is a great book according to him about Teddy Roosevelt. He shared a quote from it that made me think. "We should not forget that it is just as important to our descendants to be prosperous in their time as it is for us to be in our time." That statement carries a big punch after reading the financial news throughout the world over the past two weeks. The St. Pete. Times also had an article today by a Nobel Peace prize winner talking about the extreme problems college graduates around the world are going to have finding suitable jobs. He warns that this dilemna could lead more youth into dangerous circumstances. We certainly have not been doing a very good job of setting the stage for our young to live prosperous lives that are full of options and opportunities. In fact, for the first time in our history, this younger generation is projected to earn less throughout their lifetimes than we have been able to and to live shorter lives. It kind of makes you pause & think for awhile, doesn't it?

Brain Wipes

Just when you think you can safely predict what your child is going to say or do, they go ahead and surprise the heck out of you. In a good way, I mean. Our 20 year old daughter just shocked both of us by handling a difficult situation with grace and maturity. My husband and I were prepared for a long, drawn out family discussion that would probably culminate in an emotional scene. Instead, she showed us that she really is growing up. Now I realize that this new evidence of maturation, as good as it looks, can be short lived because teh research shows that young adults in their early 20's can go in and out of their new ability to think logically. This is due to the fact that they experience a succession of "brain wipes," a term Annette has coined for when the young brain wipes out weaker dendrites in order that the strong survive. This can happen up to 3 times as the late adolescent matures and develops. So, I am trying not to get too excited over the fact that we might have successfully passed a developmental marker because I know that in a few days, she could melt down over something that looks pretty trivial to us. But, for now, let me just take a deep breath and revel in the fact that this coaching stance we have taken for the past 5 years is for the moment, working!