Sunday, December 21, 2008
Cell Phone Images
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Think More
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Mick Jagger & Texting
Monday, December 8, 2008
"I Miss You"
Liking your parents. This just never happened when I went to college...OK, never may be too strong a word. But even if you did like your parents, you definitely wanted to be away from them through most of the growing up part. Boy were we anxious to be away from our parents. This is not so for most of the current college bound generation. They actually like their parents and are open about it, they also are very comfortable expressing their feeling about missing their parents...I guess all those psych books paid off. I was asked in an interview today what I thought about all this? Well, it's a complicated dynamic to explain and yes, I often think it's a healthy response to a history of extreme authoritarian style parenting. But just because your teen or young adult is saying 'I don't think I can do it without you' doesn't mean the correct parental response is to swoop in and rescue. Yes, we have a group of young adults who can now correctly identify their feeling and express them, but parents be cautious, to another adult(even a young one) the helpful response is not to fix it.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Advice from our Forefathers
I had the pleasure of visiting Monticello for the Thanksgiving Holidays and picked up some of Thomas Jefferson's Wisdom to pass along to parents and Gen Y.
Thomas Jefferson's Ten Rules
1. Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have earned it.
4. Never buy what you don't want because it is cheap.
5. Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We seldom repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain the evils have cost us that never happened.
9. Take things always by the smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten before you speak, if very angry, count a hundred.
Happy Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Gen Y - Coming Home for Turkey
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Grateful for my Crazy Life
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
"HELP! My Parents Need to Read Your Blog"
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Teens: Do They Have a Brain?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
21 - Not a Drinking Day
Monday, November 3, 2008
New Frontiers
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday Night Dates
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
At Home @ 18
Set up a family meeting with pen & paper (or computer)
Make a list of items of concern
Curfew (what time the front door stay locked)
House hold shared responsibility
Rent - No Rent, remember this can be paid with in-kind services (like painting that bathroom?)
Meals
Money
Remember, you may not get to all of these, and you may adjust them along the way. Most importantly, You Are Not A Hotel.
Good Luck!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Toll of Technology
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Letting Go: It Can Sting
Sunday, October 12, 2008
It's Not Just About Us Anymore
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Brain Wipes
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Empty Nest Prevention Plan Starts Now!
I had the opportunity to present last weekend at the You & Me, We Conference at St. Petersbug College sponsored by Family Resources. There were a lot of interesting speakers presenting on issues relevant to couples and families. They offer this annually so you might want to put it on your calendar for next year. One of my presentations was on "Preparing for The Empty Nest." The bottom line is that the best way to avoid struggling with any serious adjustment issues as children get ready to fly the nest is by constantly practicing to stay well balanced and diversified throughout the child raising years. Couples who invest all of their time, energy and patience in the raising of children (which by the way, has only recently become a fullfledged career ) leave little or nothing for themselves and their other important interpersonal relationships. We have become a child obsessed, child dominated culture and our high rate of divorce reflects that, which is the antithesis of what children fundamentally require for healthy development. It is still true that the best legacy parents can give their children is to love themselves and then, to love each other. This type of healthy self respect and commitment to a meaningful, growing relationship will just naturally trickle down to children who also get to learn firsthand how to build their own stable, long term relationships.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Don't Leave Me!
Well, do you really think they'll be OK without you?
Is this a truly hard thing that they can't do without you?
How can you reassure them without sending a message they are incapable?
Good luck.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Balanced at the Edge
During workshops, Annette and I often lecture about the culture of fear our society seems to have embraced since 9/11. Parents especially can be overheard more often today warning children about some of the many dangers that exist out there; abductions, Aids, killer drugs...So, as a parent, I really try to listen to myself when I am talking with one of my 3 children. Apparently, I don't always practice what I preach because as soon as the risk factor with one of them starts to escalate, I frantically start tossing out the warnings, left and right. And then I have to consciously stop myself, take a deep breath and silently ask, "what am I really afraid of?" If truth be told, sometimes I am afraid that they will get badly hurt, exposed to a risk that could be life changing. Yet, I know deep in my heart that at the ripe ages of 20 or 28, they are pretty much in charge of their own lives. My husband and I are only bystanders who sometimes coach, cheer and analyze from the sidelines. I also have to honestly assess what message I am really sending when I flood the room with warnings and talk about dire consequences. Chances are that they have already tuned me out and I usually get a bit of eye rolling with comments like, "you shouldn't worry so much, mom." But I have to tell you, this parenting stuff is not for the weak hearted. It takes courage to watch and remain balanced while they practice taking leaps and doing somersaults right at the edge of the cliff. Because only when we are balanced do they seem to reach out and ask for our advice.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Doing Whatever I Want...yeah, right?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
National Alcohol & Drug Addiction Recovery Month
"Teens begin using alcohol and drugs for different reasons than adults. For example, peer pressure may affect adolescents more than other age groups. Adolescent substance use impairs their cognitive, physical, and emotional development."
In 2006:
*average age of first-time inhalants was nearly 16
*an estimated 2.8 million people aged 12 or older used an illicit drug for the first time within the past 12 month
*average age of first use of pain relievers is 21.9 yrs
*average age use of marijuana is 17.4
Emerging trends in substance abuse is prescription drugs, this is a growing concern for teens. Be informed, keep your eyes open and gather information. Parents can be the first step to stopping abuse and misuse in teens and young adults.
The Fun Begins
An Inspirational Couple
Monday, September 8, 2008
Social Anxiety Disorder & College Students
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Just Work Hard and Stayed Focus
We had an interesting conversation the other day with our 20 year old daughter. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the hoops she was jumping through and the hurdles she was facing while trying to enroll in a new career training program. After she finished telling me the most recent crisis, I could tell she was on the verge of tears. So, instead of focusing on a successful outcome, I complimented her hard work and explained that I was pretty sure anything worth having or doing would present itself exactly like that; complicated, exasperating with potential failure. She took a deep breath and thanked me for reminding her of that. I did not have to try to fix anything or solve whatever was going on, I just empathized and told her that we believed in her and her ability to forge on through this. And that seemed to be all she really wanted to hear!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
In Florida school has only been back in session, half a week, thanks to Hurricane Fey and I am already hearing the homework blues from parents and kids.
Some of us parents are anticipation what's coming...nightly battles over when homework is done, sloppy work, the all too famous "forgetting the assignments", parents working harder on homework than the kids, taking forever to finish it, TV, music and cell phones constantly interrupting, or hearing about a huge assignment the night before it's due. If any of these affect your house it may be time to get armed. Two great books can help guide parents and their children. I recommend Homework Without Tears, by Canter and Hausner for parents and for kids, How to do Homework Without Throwing Up, by T. Romain.
Some key recommendation by both:
1. Set up a proper study area, use it regularly at the same time daily.
2. Motivate through praise, communicate assertively.
3. Create a homework ritual, ie: snack, homework, play
Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
The New Face of Youthful Addictions
The counseling staff at Goodwill is noticing a shift in the current face of drug abuse. It is getting younger and is now about addiction to prescription drugs. There is a very good reason as parents we should pay heed to this change. The children there (18 years olds in a lot of ways are still children) are getting the drugs from your medicine cabinets. Their favorites seem to be xanax, oxycontin and hydrocodone but most pain relievers and psychoactive drugs will do. This is a good time to get rid of any old medications by stowing away anything that could tempt an underdeveloped mind. Prescription meds now account for 3x’s the number of deaths in this state as compared to cocaine and heroin which used to be a parent’s worst nightmare. And it does not take much to be charged with drug trafficking when you are talking about prescription meds. Just 4 grams. That’s right. So our part as parental coaches and mentors includes making it very difficult for our sons and daughters to have access to any of these medications. In the wrong hands or mixed with other substances they can be deadly. We also need to be having conversations about these medications. Too many young people come up to me at Goodwill and say that they did nothing wrong by taking mom or dad’s pills. It’s not like they did something illegal…
I should also add for general interest, that drugs are showing up in our ecosystem in ways we couldn't imagine. To learn how to properly dispose of drugs, visit http://www.pinellascounty.org/utilities/getridofit/medications.pdf
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Adapt or Fear the Worst
Annette & I attended a great conference last week on “Educating the Whole Child.” It focused on the changing needs of our academic structures to meet the challenges of growing up healthy in 2008. The presenters made some interesting points we parents should consider. They talked about the fact that our children are being taught for tests while the drop out rate soars, even among our brightest. Perhaps our schools have not kept up with the rapidly changing technology scene and its effects on our youth. And then I had to ask myself if as a parent, I have done any better. I joke about my ineptness at handling anything more than my cell phone and have only texted my children less than a dozen times, even though that seems to be their chosen mode of communication. So, like academia, I seem to be standing my ground and refusing to adapt to this ever changing tech frontier. One of the speakers even called herself a “text twit.” We all knowingly laughed but shouldn’t we also be a bit uncomfortable with our apparent lack of expertise?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Is he Alive and Still in Spain?
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Real Fears
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Fear and the Mother Lion
Monday, June 16, 2008
Dinosaur Parents Discover Summer Fun
My 8 year old understands and works my new digital camera, navigates my cell phone and loads programs into our family computer better than me. It's not just us parents who are stressed, listen to these alarming figures:
* The average teenager views 40,000 commercials a year, and companies are marketing to shape new consumers from infancy.
* 1/3 of American children suffer stress related symptoms.
* 1/2 of adolescents report trouble sleeping and
* 1/2 of college students are so overwhelmed they report difficulty functioning.
All this multitasking, overachieving, and fast paced lives may just be stressing us all out. Relax more with your kids, model a stress free life or at least healthy coping skills to manage stress. Get outside! Recent research tells us that open green spaces decrease stress levels. Make a list of fun summer outdoor activities and get you and your family out.
I love my cell phone, TV and computer as much as the next person, and I don't think they're the 'root of all evil', but I do think we need a balanced tech diet. Set a good example by turning off some of this technology and getting out and living a little this summer. Our family posted a list of fun summer things to do in one day. To add a dash of irony, I posted them on our family computer screen. Here are the top 3. #1 Rock Climbing at our local sporting store. #2 Miniature Golf. #3 Picnic at our favorite beach at sunset.
Should Parents Text ?
Annette & I attended a great conference last week on “Educating the Whole Child.” It focused on the changing needs of our academic structures to meet the challenges of growing up healthy in 2008. The presenters made some interesting points we parents should consider. They talked about the fact that our children are being taught for tests while the drop out rate soars, even among our brightest. Perhaps our schools have not kept up with the rapidly changing technology scene and its effects on our youth. And then I had to ask myself if as a parent, I have done any better. I joke about my ineptness at handling anything more than my cell phone and have only texted my children less than a dozen times, even though that seems to be their chosen mode of communication. So, like academia, I seem to be standing my ground and refusing to adapt to this ever changing tech frontier. One of the speakers even called herself a “text twit.” We all knowingly laughed but shouldn’t we also be a bit uncomfortable with our apparent lack of expertise?
Monday, June 9, 2008
We Have a YouTube Channel
Mom, Can I go to an all-Weekend Party?
Our 16 year old son came home last Friday with an invitation to attend a party from a girl in his class whose name I had heard before. What was a shocker to me was that the invitation was for both Friday & Saturday. In other words, it was an overnight party for a mixed group of kids. After I got over my initial speechlessness, I was unsuccessful at getting any real additional information from him. So, I simply said “no”. He & I then discussed the unfairness of life for 10 – 15 minutes which ended with him leaving the room apparently frustrated with me as a mother. I tried to explain that nothing good could come out of an overnight party of 16 year old guys & girls. He accused me of a lack of trust. I blocked him with some well placed info on brain development, stating that it was not him I did not trust, it was the collection of inactive prefrontal cortexes & overactive amygdalas. That did not sit well, either. He stayed mad at me for the rest of that evening. And, he did end up going to the party but we picked him up at midnight. (Somebody’s mom & dad owe us big!)
Thursday, May 29, 2008
No Dad. You Can't Write Me a Note
One of our readers and mom, who works in a Florida College, shared the following funny story with us:
I don’t know if I have any tips but my daughter is graduating from high school this June—so I can relate to the challenges of launching children to college.
I do have a true, funny story to share: My daughter recently told me a story about one of her friends who had graduated last year and was attending FSU. The student wasn’t feeling well one day—part of it was due to being homesick and so she called her dad back home in Miami. The father told her to call in sick to class and drive home for the weekend. The daughter replied that she couldn’t do that—because it wouldn’t be considered an excused absence. The father replied, “Of course it will be—I’ll write you a note.” The daughter laughed and said, “Thanks, Dad—but this is college not high school.” The daughter got a good laugh out of her dad’s behavior and said that she immediately felt better and so she went to class that day. I guess the useful lesson here is that humor can brighten someone’s day and can also help solve lots of issues! I also like the following quote from Meltzer: “The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.”
- Nancy Kelley, Student Affairs Administrative Manager, St. Petersburg College- Downtown Center
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Don't Buy them 4 Cars
I teach life skills to about 35 men & women on Tuesdays at Goodwill Correctional Facilities who have been court ordered into this 6 month drug rehabilitation program. I learned something interesting today that I wanted to share while leading a counseling session for about 12 of them. The young people in this group who are between the ages of 18 & 30, started to talk about the different ways their parents affected them as they were growing up. What shocked me was that a whopping 5 out of 12 stated that they believe they were spoiled as kids. By spoiled they meant that they did not really have to work for what they got & that they were often given privileges they had not yet rightfully earned. One young man went on to say that his mother bought him a total of 4 different cars between the ages of 18 & 21, replacing each one after a crash or malfunction even if it was due to his lack of care without ever trying to hold him responsible. Something to think about, isn’t it?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
AHA Moment
Here is my parental ‘AHA Moment’: When the girls were 4, I decided I would cut their hair. Never gave it a second thought. I placed Kyle in front of me and cut her hair, which was a little past her shoulders to right above her ears. My decision was based on how much they fussed when it was time to wash it. So let’s just cut it.
After cutting Kyle’s hair, I placed Dana in front of me and started to cut…I got half way through and she asked me, “Mommy, what are you doing?” I thought this was such a silly question since she had just seen me cut her sister’s hair and we had been talking about it. So I replied, “I’m cutting your hair” to which she replied, “Did I tell you that you could cut my hair?” Well to say I was shocked is an understatement. All I could think about was that I had a child’s hair cut half done and what would my husband, mother and mother-in-law say when they saw this mess….so I began to plead with her and tell her how easy it would be to wash her hair and how much fun it would be if she would just let me finish…to which she replied, “Okay”. When I was done and she got in the tub to wash it, she said, “Mommy, you were right”.
Well the moral for me was: All children have opinions….and it never occurred to me to ask for it…..ask your child’s opinion…in the end you will do what is prudent, right and best for them, but ask anyway!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Graduation - Just Around the Corner
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Let your Child Fall
A woman approached me last week at the close of a workshop I had just presented on stress to share that her biggest stressor came from her relationship with her adult daughter. Her daughter now blamed the mother for coddling her while she was growing up to the point of disabling her. This woman did what she believed was best for her child and did it out of love. But, as her daughter now tried to explain, she felt inept at handling the challenges that life was throwing at her. If our children are not allowed to make their share of mistakes, how will they ever learn from them? We are physiologically constructed to operate this way. So let your child fall down, literally or figuratively and then applaud and encourage them as they figure out how to get back up. That essential learning & growing process will see them through whatever life dishes out.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Brain Wipe
Annette & I devote a lot of time speaking on the topic of adolescent & young adult brain development. We try to help parents & professionals gain insight into the neurological realities of the developing brain. (You can find more detailed explanation of this information in our handbook, “Blast Off – Launching Your Child to College & Beyond.” A key to remember is that our job as the adults in their lives is to normalize this challenging stage for them as much as possible. I try to remind myself & our son as often as possible that the real reason he forgot to close the door to the refrigerator was that he was the innocent victim of a brain wipe! On a good day, he laughs and rolls his eyes at me but I swear it helps both of us put this all into perspective. (And then I still make him go back in the kitchen & close the door.)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Good Reads
Parents are always asking us to recommend good reads. The following are some of our favorites:
* Blast Off:Launching Your Child to College & Beyond - by yours truly :)
* 12 Simple Steps Real Moms Know, Borba
* Systematic Training for Effective Parenting, Dinkmeyer
* Loving What is, B. Katie
* Raising Cain, D. Kindlon
* Ready or Not, Dr. Mel Levine
* Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam
* Generation Me, Jean Twenge
* Transitions, Reiter and Rhode
Summer Vaction - Part II
Don’t be surprised if they don’t come home this summer exactly resembling the child you knew & loved when they left in the fall. This first year away can instigate some testing of new identities and give them a remarkably premature sense of independence, even though you are still paying all of their bills. We have heard from quite a few families in the past that their cherished daughter or son returned home for the summer with some newly acquired and somewhat annoying habits. Some will be almost eager to correct and point out your shortcomings where before college they just seemed to turn a blind to you. Just try to keep in mind that this is a normal part of the stretching process and will probably pass. They are trying on different identities and comparing you to some of the other authority figures new in their life. Think of it as another leg on their journey towards maturation & independence.
Summer Vaction - Part I
Before you know it, summer break will be here and a lot of those college students will be heading home to wreak havoc on any new structure you put into place in their absence. Now would be a good time to start some relaxed conversations about their summer plans and coach them a bit in setting some achievable goals while being somewhat aware of the rest of the family’s needs & wants. This is the time to discuss everybody’s expectations to cut down on surprises this summer. If money was a source of contention between you this school year, the upcoming break can be a good time for them to work and save up for any additional expenses or creative spending ideas. Some of my best learning experiences during my college years came from the different part time jobs I managed to work at while gong to school. If nothing else, a few of them showed me what I definitely did not want to spend the rest of my life doing! We would love to hear about some of your summer job experiences so please share…
Monday, March 10, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Practicing What I Preach
Our 20 year old daughter bought a used car for herself with some money my parents gave her recently. Unfortunately, she made this decision completely on her own based on how the car looked and did not consult with anyone more experienced in auto mechanics. So, this hot looking car has turned out to need some major repairs which is giving my husband & I an opportunity to practice what I preach. It has been hard to stand by and watch her put herself into debt but we are both pretty convinced that this is a big opportunity for her to learn some valuable lessons. In fact, she called the other day and told my husband that he was right when he warned her to have the car checked before she bought it. She even went so far as to say that he has usually been right about most things! Wow! And then she took on a few more hours at the restaurant she works at to help pay towards the cost of fixing it. Not bad…not bad at all.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Spring Fever
Spring is around the corner & all those high school seniors are biting at the bit to finish the race & get started on their new life. This time can be exciting but it can also be pretty challenging! And sometimes their siblings can feel like they are slowly fading in the background. Now might be a good time to schedule a “date” with that younger child so you can check in with them away from all the noise & drama. It might help the “soon to be graduate” stay inside the family lines by reminding them that everyone else around them still has their own life & personal issues to deal with even while their’s is exploding with new promises. (Slowly repeating “this too will pass,” to yourself while breathing deeply has been proven to help, too!)
Friday, February 22, 2008
How to let them figure it out and why?
While raising young children, the earlier parenting style can be so directive. EG "Do this.. or Do it that way...or Over here...Now." It can become very easy to continue this into the pre-teen and teen years. And let's face it, they almost demand it by being so forgetful. At some magical point most parents seem to either get tired out or become excited to let them take it on for themselves. Most of us really don't want to be doing the wash of our 25 yr old child, or reminding them to pay their bills...we really want to meet our responsible adult child. So, how do we get them there, and best help them through all the troubles they'll face on the way?
In my work with so many families I have found that changing into a "curious coach" is the most user friendly posture for parents. The best way to describe this is to give some examples. When they call for advice about what to do about something, instead of solving the problem (and let's face it, we have years of experience on them, most of their stuff is easy for us) instead ask them, "Well, what were you thinking you should do? or What have you tried? or Have you been in a similar situations before, what did you do then?" Basically, get them working, instead of you. You can still have empathy, like "Wow, that does sound like a mess or ask them "How would you like me to help you figure it out for yourself?" Start putting the problems back on them. After all, you don't really need any more, right? Be a support by asking, "How did that come out for you?, Way to go., or I don't know if I would of thought of that., or I know you can handle this, let me know how it works out."
Any other, ideas out there, all us parents need your help.