Are You Going to Finish Strong?

This question may be one we want to ask ourselves, as parents, adults, leaders...In a world where we constantly want our children to be better than us we may loose site that we first need to challenge ourselves. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my parents was to keep striving to be better than I was...work harder...set higher goals. No one actually ever said this to me. Instead they showed me in their life. I recently got emailed a great video regarding this message...you may want to visit this page too so here is the address. Are you going to finish strong? http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

Cell Phone Images

The Times had an article last week about teens casually sending semi-clothed or nude pictures of themselves through their cell phones. I have been approached by numerous parents lately who have shared their concerns about this new phenomenon. What I did not know until I read that article is that this is considered to be a criminal offense and can land a son or daughter in jail. And perhaps even worse, they can then be labeled as a sexual predator which follows them for years to come. Apparently, this practice has become popular among some of our underage tech savvy kids. And, true to form, they do not have a clue how this kind of exposing impulse can permanently change their lives. So, it is up to us as the coaching presence in their lives, to educate, monitor and even intervene before this kind of behavior takes place. Which means, we need to be a bit savvy ourselves about texting and the sending of cell phone images so we can try (notice, I used the word "try") to stay one step ahead of them. For their own good and ours...

Think More

At a luncheon Barbara and I were just at today a colleague of ours recommended, "Do more time thinking?" She felt we all could benefit from thinking something through 3 times, measuring twice and cutting once...a cool reference for craftsmen out there. It really struck me as an important piece of advise, not just for me but for the next generation. It seems like sometimes I am too rushed to really think something through, and then I act before I have a clear direction. I think Gen Y is suffering from this too. They feel pressured by our fast paced world to have a plan, have direction, know what there doing...in essence be grown up before they are. Thinking time can often be viewed as slow time, time you could be getting something done. But this is more a myth than truth. When you have enough time to think a thought over, when it finally gets put to action it is usually more accurate in execution. Be careful to take away too much thinking time from yourself and your child.

Mick Jagger & Texting

A recent article in the St. Pete Times, (11/23/08) cited some of the concerns a lot of parents have about the amount of time and energy their children are spending texting and online. The researchers stated that kids are actually learning a lot by spending countless hours online. "Online activities force kids to employ collaborative skills - as they share ideas and arguments with others who live worlds away." The truth is that most of us parents are just uncomfortable with the single focus our children seem to be exhibiting technologically. We feel justified in our concerns that their social skills could be lacking in some serious, life altering ways. Yet perhaps our parents felt the same way about the amount of time we spent glued to the telephone or hypnotized by the television. I can still remember my parents shock at the sight of Mick Jagger as he shrieked and strutted across out TV screen. Maybe we are just showing our age or are we?

"I Miss You"

Liking your parents. This just never happened when I went to college...OK, never may be too strong a word. But even if you did like your parents, you definitely wanted to be away from them through most of the growing up part. Boy were we anxious to be away from our parents. This is not so for most of the current college bound generation. They actually like their parents and are open about it, they also are very comfortable expressing their feeling about missing their parents...I guess all those psych books paid off. I was asked in an interview today what I thought about all this? Well, it's a complicated dynamic to explain and yes, I often think it's a healthy response to a history of extreme authoritarian style parenting. But just because your teen or young adult is saying 'I don't think I can do it without you' doesn't mean the correct parental response is to swoop in and rescue. Yes, we have a group of young adults who can now correctly identify their feeling and express them, but parents be cautious, to another adult(even a young one) the helpful response is not to fix it.

Christmas Presents

Hot Chocolate

Advice from our Forefathers

I had the pleasure of visiting Monticello for the Thanksgiving Holidays and picked up some of Thomas Jefferson's Wisdom to pass along to parents and Gen Y.
Thomas Jefferson's Ten Rules

1. Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have earned it.
4. Never buy what you don't want because it is cheap.
5. Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We seldom repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain the evils have cost us that never happened.
9. Take things always by the smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten before you speak, if very angry, count a hundred.


Happy Thanksgiving

Gen Y - Coming Home for Turkey

What is your experience of this Thanksgiving with Gen Y? So, they're on their way home for some of your famous turkey dinner with all the trimming. If it's the first Thanksgiving home visit, expect 10 to 20 loads of wash, sleeping in till noon, after all, they just finished midterms, they're tired. Some families won't be getting homecomings, it may be the first time they go to a significant others family, or they just can't get away, or I have heard this, they miss their flight!?! Some employers tell me they are a bit surprised when their new, fresh out of college employees think that they will be receiving time off, like their still in school, for all holidays.(yikes, some of us seasoned employees think it's our turn first) So, what is your experience of this Thanksgiving with Gen Y?

Grateful for my Crazy Life

I was teaching a class on gratitude today and it struck me, "Am I really all that grateful?" One of the other teachers in the class said she had done and exercise once where she went to lunch by herself and for one hour tried to notice all that works in her life. The big and small, all that works. Even if you twist a doorknob and it opens the door. I realized how much of my time I spend simply focusing on what does not work. Maybe these are the big things, but still I have to ask,"how balanced is it if I only notice what does not work?" So, for this holiday, I have a plan to notice what works, the big and the small. (I don't need to worry about noticing the problems, I do this well) Chris Guillebeau wrote on his blog "Gratitude is a balanced response to a life filled with highs and lows". The Art of Nonconformity Happy Thanksgiving

"HELP! My Parents Need to Read Your Blog"

So we got a comment from a kid, maybe it's your kid or maybe you're that kid,it read something like, "I wish my parents would do some of what you say". Listen here both kids and parents...It takes two to tango (tango - a dance). Some of the parents reading this blog are going to get it and make changes and work on launching their child differently, others are not. Whether your parents get it or don't get it, launching is ultimately a child's job. Whether your parents are great or stink, it's your life...make it work for you. Many thousands of generations have gone through terrible parenting styles, harsh cultural conditions, and they survived. Kids can turn into adults despite bad parenting and sometimes, no amount of good parenting will turn a kid around. (I have talked to great parents with really problematic kids and vise versa) What you do, what you say, how you act and react are within your control and your responsible for. That's it. What other say, do, how they act react it tells you a lot about them, very little about you. Grow up, become your own person, with your own ideas...you don't need your parents permission to be responsible. They will probably even respect you for it. If not, and this does happen, do it anyway, because it's the best thing for you.

Teens: Do They Have a Brain?

"From the ages of about 14-16, people lose about 20% of the synapses in the brain." This probably makes sense to you if you have a teenager at home. "Among the last areas to become fully wired are the frontal & temporal lobes. Those parts of the brain are significant because they control abstract thinking, impulsiveness and emotion." Again, if you live with a teenager this is very apparent in you house. Hang on tight, most research now indicates that the frontal and pre-frontal lobes are fine...at about 22 - 25 yrs old. YIKES! (these quotes are from Mental Health Problems Begin in the Teen Brain, T. Hesman.)

21 - Not a Drinking Day

I remember turning 21, most folks seem to. My older roommate, and by older I mean already 21, convinced me to go get a drink with her @ midnight. I did, one drink, that was it. The bartender said it was on the house. I really didn't feel like drinking. So we went home and had ice cream. This seems to be the same experience I hear in session from a lot of newly turned 21 year old's. By the time you turn 21, you have already had too much to drink that you don't feel like drinking...a lot of this might be due to the fact that the pre-frontal cortex is starting to kick in and logic and reason make over drinking a poor choice, now easily ruled out. The age of 21 is now getting some press as to whether it's the right age or not. Growing up in my Italian American household, my family always thought that this country was pretty uptight about drinking, making it more attractive to underage drinkers. This philosophy was right for me, maybe not right for all. Something to think about...

New Frontiers

Annette and I spoke to 200 professionals on Friday in Memphis who clinically work with teens/young adults. Our core message was primarily encouraging them to join the new world of texting and MySpace. When you really stop to consider the fact that most adolescents have far surpassed their parents technologically, you can begin to feel a bit uneasy. There they are, with brains under construction, out exploring new frontiers without any adult guidance or chaperoning. When parents or professionals refuse to learn to text or have no idea what "MySpace or Facebook" is really all about, they relinquish any impact they can legitimately have on a huge part of their child's life. In fact, "MySpace" is now the 6th largest "country" in the world and more than half of the members are under 18 years of age. So, why not ask your teen today to teach you to text or introduce you to MySpace. Not only can this shared experience provide some quality bonding time but with knowledge, you can begin to guide them in what is appropriate or inappropriate in this new world they inhabit.

Friday Night Dates

I am reading a very interesting book by Judith Levine, "Not Buying It" which is about her year long experience not buying much of anything that was not essential to life. She and her husband would not even purchase movie tickets during that year or eat out as part of their experiment. Reading it makes me feel like I took a shortcut here and went down an easier path with my pledge. Tim and I really love eating out and for years treated ourselves almost every Friday night as a part of our weekly date. Recently though we have cut back and now limit ourselves to every other Friday. It was not that we typically ate out at expensive restaurants, it was just the love of eating alone without the constant interruptions from children or phones. For almost 22 years we have spent every Friday afternoon and evening alone together. We are both pretty convinced that this ritual has helped keep us sane and happily together. I have recommended this tradition to countless couples over the years and swear that scheduled time alone is an integral way to keep a relationship healthy.

At Home @ 18

It is a common trend, many 18 year old's are staying home for the first and second years of college. It can really present some interesting dynamics for parents, since most parents today were jumping out the door by 18 from their parents home. Many of us don't have any idea how to set up households with 18 and 19 year old's included. But with the recent economic change, I would guess many more of us will be learning how. So what do you do when you have a young adult living at home? Well, try to remember that this has happened for many generations before ours. In fact, until the last 100 years, this was the norm. I have been thinking this may help our declining social capital (see Bowling Alone, by Robert Putman). Generations before were used to this idea and they set up ground rules going in, most of us are coming by this unexpectedly, none-the-less, it is never too late to start. Here are some tips:
Set up a family meeting with pen & paper (or computer)
Make a list of items of concern
Curfew (what time the front door stay locked)
House hold shared responsibility
Rent - No Rent, remember this can be paid with in-kind services (like painting that bathroom?)
Meals
Money
Remember, you may not get to all of these, and you may adjust them along the way. Most importantly, You Are Not A Hotel.
Good Luck!

Grandma and Analog

We all feel like this sometimes :)

The Toll of Technology

My husband and I are getting ready to head to the mountains of Tennessee for a few days of much needed R&R. We have some property there which enables us to leave all of our hectic demands and escape temporarily from the bad financial news that seems to be flooding all of us right now. I remember one of the first times we took this trip with two of our children. Our middle daughter was about 15 then and she was pretty sure she did not want to leave her social circle to hide out for two weeks in the mountains. Then when she realized that her cell phone would not work on the property, she became downright miserable. Two weeks without being able to check in constantly with her friends seemed like a huge price to pay for family bonding time. But, it was only after two or three days there that I noticed a profound change in her whole demeanor. I had to study her for a few minutes to understand what I was really seeing. I even pulled my husband aside and asked him to look at her face to see if he noticed anything different. We agreed and I am still shocked at how much more relaxed our daughter was once she got away from the incessant social pull that is endemic to her technologically savvy age group. She looked calm and peaceful. Now, granted, there weren't many demands on any of us while camping out in the mountains but I will never forget the marked difference we saw in her. She still says that trip was one of her best family getaways and I believe it was because of the "social contact reprieve" she was forced to experience. Never underestimate the toll this newfound ability to stay connected 24/7 is having on them and us...

Letting Go: It Can Sting

I've been working on editing a video of Barbara and I speaking before a group of parents about to drop off their kids at College this Fall. Just watching it reminds me how much it really hurt many of those parents at the idea of saying Good-bye. There were many tear stained faces in the room. Although, I am sure over the years these parents had said to themselves, "I can't wait 'till they go to college." Especially during any of those more distressing or disappointing times. My father has said to me that the whole parenting job is rather odd set-up, you live with someone 24/7 for 18 years and then, if your lucky, you spend about 1 or 2 years total together over the rest of their lives. What a truly potentially, painful set-up in theory. Barbara and I talk about 'what are you truly letting go of?' and for us, what it comes down to, is you are letting go of what was, which is already gone. And Warning!!! if you don't let go of what was, there is limited or no space for what's coming. Your children are always your children, but really, who do you want to be loving and attending to the most? The adult child in front of you or the one you remember? Even @ 42 years old, I know I am my parents daughter, but I am happy to report that despite all the fond memories of my childhood, they seem to be right here with me now...maybe like most of us good parents they experience their parental stings out of my sight.

It's Not Just About Us Anymore

My husband just finished reading, "Theodore Rex," by E. Morris which is a great book according to him about Teddy Roosevelt. He shared a quote from it that made me think. "We should not forget that it is just as important to our descendants to be prosperous in their time as it is for us to be in our time." That statement carries a big punch after reading the financial news throughout the world over the past two weeks. The St. Pete. Times also had an article today by a Nobel Peace prize winner talking about the extreme problems college graduates around the world are going to have finding suitable jobs. He warns that this dilemna could lead more youth into dangerous circumstances. We certainly have not been doing a very good job of setting the stage for our young to live prosperous lives that are full of options and opportunities. In fact, for the first time in our history, this younger generation is projected to earn less throughout their lifetimes than we have been able to and to live shorter lives. It kind of makes you pause & think for awhile, doesn't it?