Empty Nest Prevention Plan Starts Now!

I had the opportunity to present last weekend at the You & Me, We Conference at St. Petersbug College sponsored by Family Resources. There were a lot of interesting speakers presenting on issues relevant to couples and families. They offer this annually so you might want to put it on your calendar for next year. One of my presentations was on "Preparing for The Empty Nest." The bottom line is that the best way to avoid struggling with any serious adjustment issues as children get ready to fly the nest is by constantly practicing to stay well balanced and diversified throughout the child raising years. Couples who invest all of their time, energy and patience in the raising of children (which by the way, has only recently become a fullfledged career ) leave little or nothing for themselves and their other important interpersonal relationships. We have become a child obsessed, child dominated culture and our high rate of divorce reflects that, which is the antithesis of what children fundamentally require for healthy development. It is still true that the best legacy parents can give their children is to love themselves and then, to love each other. This type of healthy self respect and commitment to a meaningful, growing relationship will just naturally trickle down to children who also get to learn firsthand how to build their own stable, long term relationships.

Don't Leave Me!

What to do with the child who doesn't want to leave you? Sometimes our focus is more on the young adults who are acting out; acting entitled or wanting you to just "get away" from them. But there is also the opposite: the needy young adult. The ones begging you to stay or hang out for a while. It's often a tough call for parents. As a Mom, I always want to stay but sometimes the best parenting choice is to let them work it out without me. At a recent college drop off this came up a few times. Here are a list of questions you may want to ask yourself.

Well, do you really think they'll be OK without you?
Is this a truly hard thing that they can't do without you?
How can you reassure them without sending a message they are incapable?

Good luck.

Balanced at the Edge

During workshops, Annette and I often lecture about the culture of fear our society seems to have embraced since 9/11. Parents especially can be overheard more often today warning children about some of the many dangers that exist out there; abductions, Aids, killer drugs...So, as a parent, I really try to listen to myself when I am talking with one of my 3 children. Apparently, I don't always practice what I preach because as soon as the risk factor with one of them starts to escalate, I frantically start tossing out the warnings, left and right. And then I have to consciously stop myself, take a deep breath and silently ask, "what am I really afraid of?" If truth be told, sometimes I am afraid that they will get badly hurt, exposed to a risk that could be life changing. Yet, I know deep in my heart that at the ripe ages of 20 or 28, they are pretty much in charge of their own lives. My husband and I are only bystanders who sometimes coach, cheer and analyze from the sidelines. I also have to honestly assess what message I am really sending when I flood the room with warnings and talk about dire consequences. Chances are that they have already tuned me out and I usually get a bit of eye rolling with comments like, "you shouldn't worry so much, mom." But I have to tell you, this parenting stuff is not for the weak hearted. It takes courage to watch and remain balanced while they practice taking leaps and doing somersaults right at the edge of the cliff. Because only when we are balanced do they seem to reach out and ask for our advice.

Doing Whatever I Want...yeah, right?

So I am talking to a teenager the other day and she expresses the classic teenage responce, "I can't wait 'till I am grown up so I can do whatever I want!" Well, I am sure every parent has heard this and may even remember telling their parents this, but I am a little concerned because when I explain that this is not what adulthood is like, many of the next generation doesn't see it that way. I explain that even when I was single with out kids, I still didn't get to do whatever I wanted, I was limited by things; skill set, money, time...but maybe this is part of the problem, many of our children are not limited by these things. This next generation is being raised by possible the most affluent generation ever and the same limitations that we had are not on them. Now, many college students don't have jobs and it's very rare to see a student paying their own way to college. When I tell college students that I had a roommate in college that paid their own way to college by working two 40 hr week job, they look at me baffled at how they did it. They share thoughts like, "I could never do that." Yikes, this scares me. It's not that I want that to be everyones' course, but I do want young adults to feel strong and tough enough for life's journeys. I don't want hard work to scare anyone to the point of immobilization. But maybe this is what is a key difference in the two generations, one was taught they could do anything they put their mind to, and the other was taught they could do anything they want. Each parent gets to decide which one they think works for their family, their child and their world.

National Alcohol & Drug Addiction Recovery Month

September is National Alcohol & Drug Addiction Recovery Month, so I thought I would post some information provided to me by the US Department of Health and Human Services. Two websites which may be helpful for more information are www.samhsa.gov and www.recoverymonth.gov

"Teens begin using alcohol and drugs for different reasons than adults. For example, peer pressure may affect adolescents more than other age groups. Adolescent substance use impairs their cognitive, physical, and emotional development."

In 2006:
*average age of first-time inhalants was nearly 16
*an estimated 2.8 million people aged 12 or older used an illicit drug for the first time within the past 12 month
*average age of first use of pain relievers is 21.9 yrs
*average age use of marijuana is 17.4

Emerging trends in substance abuse is prescription drugs, this is a growing concern for teens. Be informed, keep your eyes open and gather information. Parents can be the first step to stopping abuse and misuse in teens and young adults.

The Fun Begins

School just started and my adolescent son has already forgotten books that he needed for the three day weekend we just had. Without even thinking, I have suggested and nagged him a few times about the missing books to see if he made any arrangements to borrow them from a classmate. This morning he informed me that he would just find the time at school tomorrow to make up the missed assignments. I don’t think I bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood but I certainly had to consciously shut my mouth. The truth is that this really is his problem and he will have to face the consequences if he does not make the work up in time. If I am really doing what is best for him, why does it still make my stomach clutch? Aaah, the joys of coaching a teenager…

An Inspirational Couple

I attended a wedding on Saturday and the young couple getting married gave me hope. Not because they were so young but because they seemed to have their priorities in such healthy alignment. She wore a beautiful gown that looked custom made for her while her bridesmaids each had on a different style dress in exactly the same shade of burgundy. Everyone looked great and I was probably one of the few guests that knew the truth. Each of the gowns, including the bride’s had been purchased at a consignment shop for less that it takes most of us to fill our gas tanks. No one would have guessed that my young friend had chosen recycled gowns for herself and her attendants. She consistently refuses to be swept up in any of society’s distorted values and thinks on her own. I wish I thought of that!

Social Anxiety Disorder & College Students

I have been seeing more SAD showing up in college students coming in to my private practice. Oftentimes the symptoms are less classic and well hidden by what appears to look like general incompetence or what most parents think is just a bad case of "laziness". If you are wondering if your young adult is suffering from this please visit the Anxiety Disorders American Association web site, www.adaa.org they have all the latest research and a self test. In some of there latest findings, "colleges and universities across the country are seeing a major increase in students requiring mental health services for anxiety disorders. Some students may have experienced symptoms before college that became worse upon leaving home, while others may be experiencing such symptoms for the first time (the college years are often when mental health problems such as anxiety disorders manifest themselves)."

Just Work Hard and Stayed Focus

We had an interesting conversation the other day with our 20 year old daughter. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the hoops she was jumping through and the hurdles she was facing while trying to enroll in a new career training program. After she finished telling me the most recent crisis, I could tell she was on the verge of tears. So, instead of focusing on a successful outcome, I complimented her hard work and explained that I was pretty sure anything worth having or doing would present itself exactly like that; complicated, exasperating with potential failure. She took a deep breath and thanked me for reminding her of that. I did not have to try to fix anything or solve whatever was going on, I just empathized and told her that we believed in her and her ability to forge on through this. And that seemed to be all she really wanted to hear!