Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Practicing What I Preach


Our 20 year old daughter bought a used car for herself with some money my parents gave her recently. Unfortunately, she made this decision completely on her own based on how the car looked and did not consult with anyone more experienced in auto mechanics. So, this hot looking car has turned out to need some major repairs which is giving my husband & I an opportunity to practice what I preach. It has been hard to stand by and watch her put herself into debt but we are both pretty convinced that this is a big opportunity for her to learn some valuable lessons. In fact, she called the other day and told my husband that he was right when he warned her to have the car checked before she bought it. She even went so far as to say that he has usually been right about most things! Wow! And then she took on a few more hours at the restaurant she works at to help pay towards the cost of fixing it. Not bad…not bad at all.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Spring Fever


Spring is around the corner & all those high school seniors are biting at the bit to finish the race & get started on their new life. This time can be exciting but it can also be pretty challenging! And sometimes their siblings can feel like they are slowly fading in the background. Now might be a good time to schedule a “date” with that younger child so you can check in with them away from all the noise & drama. It might help the “soon to be graduate” stay inside the family lines by reminding them that everyone else around them still has their own life & personal issues to deal with even while their’s is exploding with new promises. (Slowly repeating “this too will pass,” to yourself while breathing deeply has been proven to help, too!)

Friday, February 22, 2008

How to let them figure it out and why?


While raising young children, the earlier parenting style can be so directive. EG "Do this.. or Do it that way...or Over here...Now." It can become very easy to continue this into the pre-teen and teen years. And let's face it, they almost demand it by being so forgetful. At some magical point most parents seem to either get tired out or become excited to let them take it on for themselves. Most of us really don't want to be doing the wash of our 25 yr old child, or reminding them to pay their bills...we really want to meet our responsible adult child. So, how do we get them there, and best help them through all the troubles they'll face on the way?

In my work with so many families I have found that changing into a "curious coach" is the most user friendly posture for parents. The best way to describe this is to give some examples. When they call for advice about what to do about something, instead of solving the problem (and let's face it, we have years of experience on them, most of their stuff is easy for us) instead ask them, "Well, what were you thinking you should do? or What have you tried? or Have you been in a similar situations before, what did you do then?" Basically, get them working, instead of you. You can still have empathy, like "Wow, that does sound like a mess or ask them "How would you like me to help you figure it out for yourself?" Start putting the problems back on them. After all, you don't really need any more, right? Be a support by asking, "How did that come out for you?, Way to go., or I don't know if I would of thought of that., or I know you can handle this, let me know how it works out."

Any other, ideas out there, all us parents need your help.